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Indians and Peyote
Indians,watch out for them. One time they were evil. The next
time they wanted to sleep with our animated heros and then get shot off screen. And the other time they were talking to trees.
I have no fucking clue whats up with the indians. I called one up on my cell phone to ask him what the hell, he told me that
the indian magic lies not in the forest or the spirit of mother earth or love or any of that bullshit, its peyote. Peyote
is a magic cactus which makes everyone friends. We need to get better at sharing it, thats why there is war, fucking indians
don't pass the cactus! If only a gang of cherokee indians ruled the earth. My teepee would be so fucking huge. Your teepee
would look like shit comparitively.
Hahah assholes. Uh, indians only get a 1 because they bitch too much. Next time I
will use a spear to get deeper penetration on the chief. Take that bitch face!! 1/10 (They only get their point from opium)
Reviewer: Brett
Blue Light
Blue light kicks ass. Your ass, my ass, that fat chick's ass, and even Shamu's fat fucking whale ass. Whatever your expierience
with blue light may be, wonder not of the curative powers that it has been given. One time I was nearly dead from fighting
the wood crab monster varmit and there was a magical wizard name dildohorse. He and only he had the power, and that power
was a blue light. He shone it on me and all was right with the world. Especially dying children which I can now laugh at.
Blue lights are the best invention ever, one time they killed an army of ork troll zombie ninja bastard asshole communists
from texas with lazers and duct tape. You thought they were invincible right? Not to blue lights they aren't. KA-POW the evil
king has been defeated with the blue light. We may now plunder his prized booty in his castle. Hahah, fucking monarchy. It
never works 9/10 Reviewer: Brett
Colons
Colons, they are essential, but they smell bad. From my expierience
I found that the colon is really not your best friend after consuming a bucket of liquid rubber. But hey, its still pretty
cool for what it does. Aah, the colon. It's man's best friend. You thought dogs were, but then Fido fucked your washing
machine and now you can't do laundry. Like what the fuck dog? Go solve some mystery with that stoner asshole friend of yours.
The colon is sturdily made and is not liable to break even under the most dificult of conditions. You could stab your colon
with a pine tree and all it would say is something along the lines of "Arrr, I have a very durable coating which prevents
damage, you must be jealous."
Its true, but I still don't like my colon. I give it a 6 out of 10, mostly because he is
a bastard when he gets drunk. Reviewer: Brett
MOVIE THEATERS
It seems every time I go to a movie theater, there's problems. If it's not poor projection or high prices on popcorn
and other candy, it's the employees who come in half way into the movie to inspect and distract you from the film. They
just get in my peripheral vision and take me out of the movie.
If that doesn't bother you, the annoying smart-aleck punk guys and teenybopper girls with Britney Spears ring tones
that go off at the best part of the movie will. I think a lot of people would rather rent the DVD when it comes out, rather
than see it at the cinema because of these little disrupting occurrences. That's probably why movies in general aren't
making as much in the box office nowadays (that, and renting a movie that an entire group can watch in one room for one price
is 3 dollars, but seeing a movie at the cinema is at least 6 dollars per person for admittance).
Here's some advice: Save a couple hundred dollars for a DVD-home theater system and a quality high-definition television,
and see the movies you want to see after their theatrical runs in the comfort of your own home.
Reviewer: A.J.
Grade: C+
Scuba Diving
Scuba diving tastes great, you put this huge thing into your mouth and everyone is like, aaah aparatus to aid in subaquatic
breathing, and its not even like its stylish. Get a life scuba team. I want to see scuba diving tanks in bright colors. I
want my tank to scream, "Hey marine life forms (mainly seaweed, microorganisms, sharks, aquaman, and we'll say chef boyardee
for good measure) look at me! For I am edible. Eat my flourcent blue tank of oxygen, giant shark, I taste exactly like a wad
of kelp, only this wad of kelp likes to shit in public and scream into plumbing equipment." As it stands scuba diving needs
to seek reparations from the government. Much like the indians did. I remember back in the day, you could scuba dive anywhere,
now you can only do it underwater. You know what? Fuck you government. I'll show you crippled wheelchair boxes of raisens.
I'll show you good. For now, scuba diving gets a 7 but... if you can get it on land, or better yet, a mountain, I'll give
it a 9 out of 10 Reviewer: Brett
Lobsters
They pinch, they bite, they totally
kick your ass... its lobsters!!! I reccomend you buy one and just own it for the sake of braggary. All your friends
will be all, "let me touch your lobster's rock hard lobstercock." and you are all, "Naw way bitch-wad. I like the crusteacean
hoe bag for my own lacivious plans." Then you try it and the lobster clamps off your dick, haha take that you lobster fucking
collostomy bag! You'll need the power of captain planet to retain relevance. Overall, you will never beat a lobster, ever.
11/10 (take that captain planet.) Reviewer: Brett
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